It is just one of those days....

I woke up today to screaming

That is how my day started.... followed in rapid order 2 beds that had been peed in a girl who had ripped off her nighttime diaper and peed on the floor and a little 3 year old boy pitching a fit on the floor due the starvation he was apparently under going before my very eyes....

Then Kyran felt that to stop that hitting would be the best option so he hit him and walked away really proud of himself until he saw that I had witnessed this event. That is when he said IT WAS AN ACCIDEDNT!!! ok Kyro how was it an accident.... MY HAND SLIPPED...... did it now...... grrrrr so as I walk him to timeout so I can take my own timeout seeing as how this all happened in a period of 10 minuets and already I wanted to crawl in bed and transport to some beach where there were no screaming children outside and one very active kicking baby inside. Breathing ....breathing some more so then talk to the hubby and thats when the waves of just lonely sad feelings come and just hit me and I cry I cry like I had never cried till I made myself sick......

Sooo that was my morning I decided it was a day to ask for help but unfortunately that did not work out people were busy and to be frank I can be a bit stubborn asking for help. I do not want to impose on anyone ever or make them feel used or anything like that .... So I suck it up that was followed by naptime and then miracle upon miracle my close friend calls and comes to the rescue. She didnt even hesitate she just said she was coming over .... then another friend calls a few times in a row worried about me.... and I feel this wonderful feeling of love. I know I have the love of my family and I am so thankful for that but sometimes it is so wonderful to have those friends that are literally your family as well.... That KNOW when something is wrong they hear it in your voice and see it on your face they know all your signals. Almost as much as your husband and for some strange reason it makes you feel close to him. So thank you to the friends that stepped out today warmed my heart and soul and made this day bearable and even fun. I love you all and appreciate your prayers in this last little bit of the journey.

Trip to COLORADO!!!

COLORADO TRIP 2010!!!!!!!!

My babies!!!

So I am sure if you are on facebook you saw that we took a big trip to Colorado with Jesse and stayed with him while he worked away.....

It was a charming little house just about 900 sq feet VERY cozy for 6 plus one roomate later on... one thing about Colorado that I had forgotten (don't as me HOW I had forgotten but I did...) It is HOTTER THEN HADES!!! and after having a rather cool summer here in Idaho (thank you thank you thank you!! my pregnant body thanks you Idaho!) going from 50's and 60's to 95 degrees everyday was a HUGE change so needless to say I lived on popsicles right along with the kiddos.

We got to do so many fun things while we were there since Jesse was working 6pm-3 am hed come home and sleep till about 8:30-9:00am and we would go play for the rest of the day.

One adventure we took off to the mountains we didn't really know where we were going but ended up at this mountain trail called "Gunnison Trails" so we decided to take a leisurely walk (ha ha ha leisurely walk in 95 degree weather yeah right....) so we walk around the base and start the slow climb and noticed on our sides lizards just darting everywhere the boys were THRILLED! so then we started climbing up rocks getting higher and higher I admit it I was having to much fun to notice how high we were getting and the views were INCREDIBLE. I didnt stop to see how far I had come till we saw a couple that passed us and the girl said you are one BRAVE lady. I turned around and saw how high we were and decided I had gone far enough ....but of course my boys had to go to the top so Riya and I hung out in the shade while they finished up. Going up is SO SO much easier then coming down I forget that seeing my feet is difficult these days! after that we headed home .....

Oh my that was a steeep climb for such a big belly!!!

Next adventure was DINOSAUR QUARRY! they had dug out a few dinosaurs here and we were anxious to see the old mines and the remaining fossil bits. It was suppossed to be about 1 mile but ended up more like 2 miles with our big stroller we had to come up with some creative ways to get around some of the rougher trail... thank heavens for my man I was so scared when he had the stroller like that I stood at the bottom in case he slipped so I could grab them before they hit the steeper part but PHEW all went well and we all went home and enjoyed some ice cream GREAT DAY!!!

He had it all under control but still....

Do you see Jesse and the stroller I was flipping out .... my babies were in there!

Dinosaur quarry climbed up this big rock and were "flying"

Then came the great lizard hunt... the boys just begged us to go back and catch some lizards so of course we had to go back..... With strawberry containers in hand Jesse and I snuck up and managed to catch 3 huge lizards one which unfortunately escaped when our stroller tipped over. The boys named them Pheneus and Ferb and we had so much fun watching them eat and hang out.... After a few days though we decided to return them back to nature and the boys were so sad but understood...

This is Ferb

and then here is Pheneus.

Our final hike was to the Rattlesnake Arches... I had read the trail guide and it had said it was pretty easy going so for me big ole prego lady that sounded great! We start out on Sunday we thought it was a easy trail so it would be a leisurely day oh boy.... then we drove some more and some more.... and these roads were not nice roads some straight up verticle putting out Yukon in 4 wheel drive roads! after 3 hours of driving we finally get to the trail head and I am hurting a little bit hard to balance yourself in a big old car like that with a baby kicking you from the inside and the road kickin your bum from the outside. We take this beautiful hike and it is fairly easy and GORGEOUS this is where we got the arch pictures I would love to do it again... when not pregnant that is! on the way back in went faster but I started contracting fairly regular so we got home got me my meds and luckily they stopped pretty fast once I was out of the car PHEW won't do that again! but the memories we made were priceless I will always remember this trip it was amazing!

He really is so handsome Im so dang lucky!

Then there was the roomate that came back.... he wasn't suppossed to be back we don't even know why he was there really.... he was the weirdest guy EVER and a slight alcoholic on top of it .... now I have no problem with what people do I really try not to judge but please don't come home reaking of alcohol to a pregnant lady while telling her you are perfectly capable of driving home when you cannot even stand up straight much less miss that wall you hit smack on. I have known to many people who have lost their lives driving drunk or being hit by a drunk and that heartache is not worth it YOU should know this DOCTOR grrrr ......

Anyhoo the last night we had a long conversation about what he wants to do with his life which is quite nobel he wants to implement health care into schools from kindergarten till graduation so people are not so clueless about things they DO have control over especially the big one we are faced with these days obesity .... he was telling me the facts (I think) and they are staggering he said our young children are getting diabetes in elementary school our kids are getting STD's in ELEMENTARY school good gracious I almost passed out. After making a mental note to have a long talk with Landon SOON I bid him goodnight and wished him well. He did his stuff and I headed to the bathroom because Im pregnant and thats what I do.... walk in and SLIPPPP! oh man ....please dont tell me ..... yep this guy peed on the floor not just a lil bit ALOT so after cleaning up DOCTORS pee and taking a scalding hot shower grumbling the whole time I went to bed. Next morning it was SO hard not to mention my horrifying incident in the bathroom but I was polite sigh.... seriously what a way to end out the vacation right!

So all in all GREAT MEMORIES and GREAT TIMES and most importantly I was able to hang out with my handsome man .... I am so proud of him I look and see how he has grown during all this intense schooling and heart swells with pride. We are SO close to graduation and moving onto the next step. The house, with the white picket fence, a few dogs, a million kids (this is my fantasy not yours ha ha) and I am SO anxious and feel so blessed we get to graduate and shortly after welcome our sweet baby girl into the world how lucky are we! so here is to vacations, stories, lizards, and hopefully surviving to the end!!!

you know we snuck in time to check out the local mall and shops! ahhh so fun to have a girl!!!

What can I say.... he's my man and I love him to pieces! even with this face ;0)

oh my heart was breaking!
There he is with his backwards sling...

2nd kiddo to the ER...

Well it happened... again..... I honestly thought it would be lil Kyran that ended up in the hospital again before the others but no.... little Zade thought he would be a daredevil and go there..... What happened? I know thats what I had to ask since I was not there to witness the actual event all I had was my 7 year olds explanation of how it all went down.

It all started with a trampoline (dang you trampoline all these years with no broken bones and injuries and now that record is ruined!) I hear some crying but that is a normal thing and then Landon screaming for me to come. So I booked it out there and Kyran is crying even harder I assume it is him that is hurt but no it is Kyran that had caused the wreck. Apparently they were wrestling Kyran grabbed Zades wrist twisted it and all 2 boys fell on Zade and Landon heard a funny noise. That was followed with a brief explanation how a dog was barking in the distance oh how I love kiddos explanations of everything.

Zade was trying to be tough but by the time I got him off the trampoline he was just sobbing that I am hurt bad kind of sobbing..... I almost teared up myself carried him inside that is when I noticed him clutching his lil arm and it was swelling up FAST! So we got some ice and I asked him to move his arm no luck and arm is still swelling so we pack it up and call Hiedi and then Katy and Jedd. Thank HEAVENS Katy came to the rescue it would have been NO fun to drag all 4 kiddos to the ER so she took two and I took Kyran so he could see what being so rough with his brothers and sisters could cause. So off we go and of COURSE the ER is just packed with people but they get Zade right in and he is still just sobbing.... His arm is just swollen and red they are almost positive it is broken won't give us meds for him to help because they are thinking he may need surgery. So we wait....and wait.....and then some more waiting I think 2 or 2 ambulances came in while we were there they get him xrayed and say well he may or may not have a fractured wrist. So they cast him up in a special splint and the PA student who did it was so busy asking me about jobs that I had found for Jesse he started putting the casting on backwards grrrrrrrr. I asked him to please pay attention to my child they got that on he started putting his sling on backwards so he had to redo that .... so finally we are done and Zade is just screaming and the doctor turns and says "If it was me Id be drinking a gallon of whiskey tonight" I was not a happy girl with that comment and replyed if his arm hadn't been messed with so much he would probably not be screaming so much. So we left with a very sad Zade and gathered the kiddos and went home. Zade didnt sleep much at all that night he was in so much pain it broke my heart but the night after he did so much better and now he had discovered he can use his arm as a weapon so I think all in all he is tickled pink with his new accessory.

I am so thankful it was just that and it keeps me humbled as to my children are my life in all ways they come first. I would have gladly given my arm up for Zade but unfortunatley I could not do that and makes me think about the future. How my kids are all gonna hurt and have their hearts broken I will want to take it for them but will not be able to much like all parents. Including our Heavenly Father he sees us all hurt and go through painful experiences both physically, emotionally, and spiritually but he gives us the greatest gift and lets us grow from them how we will. While that may be bitterness and resentment that we grow or if we think it through it is love an forgiveness and the sweet calm and purity that grow with it slowly but surely if we let it. So here we go kiddos yes go play and be kids try not to hurt one another but if you do I am here to fix you physically and help heal that hurt heart but ultimately if I can show you to turn to your Father in heaven for the healing of your soul I will be a success as a mother and will rest easy.

My angelic kiddos....

So here I am again this pregnant lady alone with my loving husband away at work and the kiddos all put to bed. I look at them and I am convinced that they are perfect little angels and sigh and think THIS right here is why I do it everyday. I get up early and give them breakfast and clean them and love them even when they are stinkers right here I know that God gave me 4 angels that will be someone. They will always be a son to me, they will be a brother or sister, they will be a grandson, they will be a husband, and whoever it is that they will become it will be great.

Then there is that overwhelming thought of my part in what they become will I guide them? will I push them in the correct way or come off to harsh or smothering..... will they remember the tender moments that I loved them and told stories to them or will they remember when I was weak and yelled at them or became angry at them. I look back on my own upbringing and remember the good and the bad and what I want to take from those experiences and make into my own parenting style. Then I take a deep breath and thank heaven that I have such a good and wonderful man that is by my side to calm me down and be an example in his own way and I know he thinks the same things.

Then I take it a step further and think about my Heavenly Father was he this frantic does he still think the same things when we are in bed not wreaking havoc out in the world? He loves every single one of us with all his heart I know he does I have felt it and I will never deny that. Does he think hopefully Heather will do better tomarrow it will be a fresh start and she will start out right and rested as I so often think about with my own children... Will she remember what I have taught her will she listen to that small voice in her heart or will she be stubborn and push the harder way through this particular lesson. I think of the hard times I have been through and how I have handled them and I have the startling realization that my children have apparently learned more then me. When someone hits or pushes them they forgive almost instantly can I say that? no it has taken me months and years to forgive some that have hurt me... When I make a mistake I constantly think about it over and over in my head replaying it and getting mad at myself for making that mistake. My darling children make a mistake and when they realize it will come and apologize, give kisses and hugs, and go on their merry little way usually learning.

So here I am thinking about my children and how I can teach them and I realize it is them that have taught me in the ultimate way...... The way of the Savior there is a reason that he said "Be like the little children" if only we would simplify our thinking and lives we can become more like them and him all at once. So now I am smiling because I have 4 beautiful angels that are more like the savior then I and one on the way.... Perhaps the reason I have so many children is because I need that many examples in my life..... I love you Landon, Kyran, Zade, Riya, and Baby Girl thank you for being the inspiration and beautiful examples to me that you are.

I am so proud of you Jesse

my beautiful family
camping ok no shower fun hike down though!
ahhhhh the beach!
yeah we were really tired what can I say
ahhh home sweet home right before my baby left on his rotation! one of the many that is!
So seriously

I think that you all my hurl with all my cheesiness and mushiness lately I am convinced it is the pregnancy hormones kicked up to full throttle.... but this week my heart and my eyes have turned to my amazing husband and all he does. I mean seriously he has given so much and has so much on his plate that I am sure he feels crushed with pressure.

He has given up time with his kids, wife, and lots of time from his home to pursue schooling so that we all may have the best future possible. If I had made a list of the perfect husband and given it to Heavenly Father he would still be more then I had ever hoped for. He is kind to me and has been so understanding and loving to me even when I am stubborn and hormonal, he is the most amazing father he is stern but loving and his boys absolutely adore him and Riya well forget about it she is a daddys girl through and through, he spoils me rotten more so then I should be but is always striving to make me happy. Through tough stuff he has held my hand and always made me his number one priority in other words I love this man so much.

With fathers day approaching I hope that my kids sit back just for a minute and realize how lucky they are and know how special their daddy is. He is my hero and I am married to him which so mushy and cheesy but it is the truth. So here is to all the amazing husbands and fathers out there take a day and realize that more then likely your wives think the exact same of of you. To my love I love you more then the day before and will continue to love forever and always.

My heart is full.....ode to mom :0)

I have been thinking ... alot lately about life ... about family... about trials things that we trudge through thinking our world is literally crumbling around us only to be brought to the realization this is normal. We are not picked on .... we are not cursed ..... or unlucky for that matter... I have many times labeled myself as this unlucky one the one everything happens too.... Yes oh man we have gone through many many trials sometimes it seems they are so much larger and harder then others but then I look at others that I would in no way want to switch places with.

We are prepared as a young child for what comes into our future. I think about watching my mother you see we never got along never saw eye to eye. We said hurtful things and fought many nights. It was hard but on the flip side I dont think my mother realizes the things that I pulled from her and how she shaped me in ways I dont think she realizes. First of all I am adopted it is well known I have always known since day one that I had a biological mother but my mom never batted an eye when introducing me as HER daughter she shaped me to have a very positive outlook on adoption and made me want to adopt someday. When I was older and told it would be hard for me to have children I never batted an eye because I knew it would be the same luckily I was blessed enough to be very able to have my beautiful children but I have a very warm place for adoption. Next my mother is smart I mean like beyond smart she takes great pride in her education and teaching. She taught children with disabilites for as long as I can remember and I was able to help and be around those children frequently opening my heart to them it was never an ackward thing to be around children with disabilities I thought they were special and protected and that made me love them more. Then low and behold I give birth to my 3rd baby and at 18 months he is diagnosed with autism... did I crumble absolutely I cried and got mad that I was "picked on" I had many doctors and counselers and therapist throwing words and names and labels at me it was hard. Thankfully I was prepared from my childhood and you know what turns out my baby boy has made MILES of progress and he is the absolute joy and love of my life. He is that big sweet teddy bear that loves without control those he bonds with he never forgets it has been months since he saw his grandpa or pepaw and he still asks where he is and misses him. So there Mom look at that look how you have shaped me we still don't always see eye to eye but here I am a mother of almost 5 gorgeous children married for all eternity to the love of my life. I am grateful I was sent to you and dad it was hard yes but you know what if that was what I had to do all these trials I have gone through and will continue to go through well it is worth it .... because in the end I have my beautiful family all of whom I love. We get in fights, we hurt, we say hurtful things, but then we forgive and have a beautiful knowledge that we have grown. Throughout these 2 years if I can say anything about it all to sum it up it would be that I have grown more then I could have ever thought. We were sent to Portland for a reason... I am in Rexburg Idaho for a reason we are all entertwined in the complex beautiful plan and I am so thankful..... so there it is me spilling my guts in ode to mothers day or maybe its just a brief moment of clarity in this crazy thing we call life. I want all to know I am so grateful for my life my family and the beautiful gospel without my savior I would not have made it these past 2 years I know he listened to me when I was hurting I know he is there to pick up the pieces he is there plain and simple.